"Confession" by Amanda Rosberg Olsson

Confession

He took me from my home. I was playing on a meadow close to the village when he approached me. I didn’t care about him, completely engrossed by my play. He knelt in front of me, took my doll and then rose again. I had to look at him.

He wore tight leather clothes on his tall, slender figure. Immediately I became jealous of his hair, long, flowing, dark red, and most importantly, straight. My own short curls were blond, like my father’s.

I rose too and tried to take my doll back from him, but he held it out of my reach.

“Is this your doll?” his voice was soft and kind, caressing but it did not make me feel as safe as my big brother’s always did. Shy as I was, I looked down, fingered my tattered dress and nodded. He crouched in front of me again. I could see his pretty hair graze the ground. “She’s pretty.” I looked up in surprise. “So are you” he continued as he reached out and stroked my hair, very softly. I smiled then; the only other person who’d called me pretty was my mother. I was a farm-girl, dirty more often than not and my clothes were always ripped.

“You have pretty hair.” I said, grown bold at his flattery. He smiled and he seemed even more beautiful to me.

“Would you like to brush it?” he asked and I nodded avidly; the prospect of getting to play with the shiny, smooth hair seemed too good to be true. “You could come home with me, I have my brush there, and lots of fun toys to boot.”

And I, a child never told not to go with strangers agreed. He opened his arms and I willingly entered his embrace. He lifted me and carried me away. I didn’t notice when he dropped my doll on the ground.

He brought me to his castle, by magical way I’m sure as it is in the middle of nowhere. He filled my days with play and pretty things. I was never bored and the few times I was homesick he was there to comfort me and make me forget.

It was a dream life. I was a princess and he had taken the place as my handsome prince from my brother. Months passed and he gave me the same attention, bathed me in pretty clothes, jewellery and attention. But then he changed. He no longer came to my bedroom as often and he could be away when I went to his. More and more often, until one day when entered his quarters. He had a young boy with him, older than I was. The boy was fair and Master, as I called my prince, was toying with his hair.

From that day on, I would never be the centre of his attention. But he continued to be my whole world. There were guards and servants all over his palace, but they never spoke to me. The boys my master kept with him changed over time but everything else stayed the same. Master still wasn’t around that much and when he was he spent all his attention on his newest play thing. I was around, but I wasn’t involved. When he was gone the boys slept with me in my bed instead of Master’s. I did hate them. But even as they were older than myself, I couldn’t turn them away when they asked if they could come with me at night, they didn’t want to be alone. And so I spent many nights lying awake, telling them stories to keep them from crying.

Of course I was jealous of them, but they all seemed to be… broken, inside. When I got older and started bleeding, an old woman came and told me what it meant and how things worked. I hadn’t been completely clueless; I had walked in on careless servants quite a number of times. I barely listened to the crone; my world had become one of apathy.

But one day when I went to him, he was arguing with the flavour of the month. It ended shortly thereafter with Master slapping him hard across the face with the back of his hand. The boy whimpered and left the room crying. I hoped he would have stopped, or be gone, by the time I went back to my room, which was the only place he could have gone to. It was not a rare sight to see my master get frustrated with a plaything, I only expected him to sigh frustrated and then leave as well. But he didn’t. He stood still for a moment, shivering slightly, and then drew a deep shuddering sigh. Then he turned to me and smiled.

I was completely taken aback. I was frozen on the spot while he closed the distance between us with one long stride and gently took my hand. It was like a shock went through me. I hadn’t touched him since I was a little girl, years and years ago. I said nothing as he lifted my small body in his arms and carried me to the bed. He put me down ever so gently and lay down beside me.

He didn’t say anything either, he just caressed my face and neck and stroked my by then long and unruly hair. I still couldn’t believe that I was alone with him, that he was focusing on me, touching me. I studied him, his face and his hair and realised that he looked exactly the same as he had the day he took me away. His hair was just as long, his skin was still as smooth with just a couple of wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. Then he was clad in silk instead of leather and he did not seem quite as big to me. He was so beautiful.

We lay like that for I don’t know how long, nothing interrupted us. Eventually he rose and my heart skipped a beat as I feared that he would leave me and go after the boy, but he didn’t.

“Come,” he said softly to me, “I’ve brought you something.” I got up from the bed and out of a cupboard he got a box. In it was a purple satin dress embroided with gold thread. I hadn’t worn anything of such beauty for a long time either. “Put it on,” he urged me and I changed while he waited. I needed his help with buttons in the back and as he closed them I felt the dress snug tightly around my waist, hoisting up my small breasts. The cleavage was deep and the slit was high. I felt naked. “You are so... beautiful.” He said and he looked at me so adoringly I felt the world must end now, there cannot be anything sweeter than this.

That night I slept in his bed, and he held me all night long. When morning came I woke up to the sensation of him caressing me. He kept on touching me, my neck, my arms, my stomach. It felt wonderful and I let a sigh escape my lips. Then he kissed me ever so gently on my cheek and down my neck and shoulder. I moved to put my body against his and my breast happened into his hand. He made love to me. At least it was love in my eyes. It hurt, but the way he touched me as though he thought I was the most beautiful, fascinating thing in the world and touching me, being with me, was more than everything I’d wanted from life.

After that, I was once again his favourite past-time. He courted me and brought me gifts and made love to me every day, for the first couple of weeks. Then I bled and he was disappointed. I realised why he wanted me again. Sure, I wanted to tell myself it was because he had realised once and for all that he loved me and only wanted to be with me and make me happy, but I couldn’t fool myself for too long. He wanted a child, to be a father. I could give him that. But realising the truth didn’t hurt me to much; after all, I lived to make him happy and having him as the father of my child was utter bliss.

But I didn’t conceive, after a month or so he started to grow restless. He didn’t treat me with the same kindness and he didn’t bring me as many gifts. Gradually he treated me less and less like his partner and more like a concubine. Three months went by without me getting pregnant. The third time I started bleeding I wanted to kill myself. When he realised he looked as though he would strike me as he has struck the last boy, but he only left the room. He did not come back until the bleeding had stopped, then we copulated once, it’s impossible to call what he did to me making love, then he sent me back to my old quarters. The next day he summoned me. When I got there, he once again had a boy with him and my heart broke. The boy lay next to him, stroking his chest as my master spoke to me.

“It seems that you are barren, at least to me.” I looked down, not wanting to look at him as he told me how useless and unimportant I was to him. “I have been told that for some fertilization takes time, but I won’t wait for you.” His voice was not agitated in any way, more indifferent. It still made me feel ashamed of my small breasts and flat belly. “I have another thing that you shall do for me. I have decided that I want to be king.” I looked up in surprise sharp enough to break through my shame.

“Master?” I truly didn’t understand.

“You shall earn me my kingdom.” The intensity of his eyes made me feel little and insignificant. Then I felt a stab at my throat. I clutched at it but it made no difference. I looked at him and he was smiling, as was the boy. I felt as though my throat was being ripped out by vicious claws and I mouthed the name I had never dared call him. “Serve me well” was the last thing I heard him say before I passed out.

Some time later I woke up from the rough feeling of sand against my cheek. I soon noticed that it was in my mouth as well. I opened my eyes and tried to swallow but my throat was dry and it hurt fiercly when I tried.

At first, I saw nothing, blinded by the sharp sunlight. I realised that I had no way of knowing where I was. My master’s castle was all I had known for so many years. Surprisingly I did not feel fear at the realisation. My foremost sensation was that of the sand burning against my skin. I wanted to sit up and try and make sense of what my eyes was telling me, which was practically nothing, but I had no strength even to wipe the sand from my face.

The conclusion came to me unwittingly; I was in a desert. Perhaps the waste I often had glanced beyond the red cliffs that surrounded Master’s palace. Master had not told me anything of what he wanted me to do. Maybe he simply didn’t want me anymore and had left me to die under the glaring sun. Thoughts of the like made me want to cry, but I couldn’t. Was I too far gone to even cry?

I gave up on life then, with only the glaring sun to see my misery and self loathing. I should die, having nothing to live for now that my Master had abandoned me, now that I had failed him. I closed my eyes again and prepared myself to never open them again. I think now that I had wanted it then, as I had done without knowing since I had fallen from his grace. Only knowing that it was like to live for someone else, I never understood how to live for myself.

Perhaps even my real family would be there to embrace me in the darkness. I did know that I didn’t want to be alone, even in death. Maybe if I waited long enough, Master would eventually join me in the netherworld.

My mind couldn’t register what the voices around me meant to my current situation and someone picked me and cradled me in their arms. I didn’t realise that I was not going to die. I fell asleep feeling content that I wouldn't wake up.

I woke up from being cold. It was not something I was used to. Master’s castle lay in the mountains, always kept warm by the glaring sun or immense fireplaces. I shivered slightly and tried to open my eyes. My vision was blurry and I moaned. From the cold, the ache in my head and the sting in my eyes, I couldn’t decide which. There was shade and I was freezing. My sleepy mind determined that I was no longer in the desert. Where was I?

Suddenly I felt a hand on my forehead and my eyes gained enough focus for me to be able to make out a face.

“So, you’re awake now?” The voice was male, dark with a soft touch to it. There was no hint of the silky, caressing tone that my Master always used. I tried, but I could not bring my vision to more focus. The only thing my effort brought me was more pain. I felt a hand cover my eyes. I was startled at first but soon the sensation became soothing. “Perhaps you’d better not strain your eyes, lest you go blind.” Uneasy, I did as the voice suggested. The hand disappeared, and I was sad as it went.

“Are you cold?” I think I managed to nod. “You’re supposed to. You’re covered in a salve to help your body recover from the desert. I assume you don’t know of it. You can’t possibly be from around here with your fair skin.” I felt awkward not being able to answer, but I did not yet trust my voice.

It kept self control to keep my eyes closed, I wanted to see where I was and especially to look at this person who talked to me so kindly.

“Come, I have something for you to drink.” A strong hand supported my back as I struggled to sit up. I felt smooth wood on my lower lip and a strong bitter smell filled my nostrils. I gather my resolve and drank deeply as the cup tipped and was almost overwhelmed with the acrid taste I thought I had been ready for. "That's good. You will feel much better after you drink it." I turned away as once again the cup was tipped against my mouth. "If you don't you will keep being cold until you freeze from the inside out and then…" I interrupted him by swallowing the rest of the pungent brew. "That's a good girl."

Without thinking I tried to open my eyes again and then the world was more clear. I saw a man. He was handsome with wavy blonde hair and fine features. His mouth was wide and his skin fair. But most important: his eyes were green, open and honest and full of laughter. He reminded me of someone I didn't remember. He looked kind and it made me smile to see it.

"What is your name?" he asked me but as I opened my mouth to answer him there was no sound, only a sharp pain in my throat. It made me wince and clutch my throat with my hand. "Are you mute?" he asked softly as he softly pulled my hand away from my neck. I stared at him in disbelief before the memory of what Master had done to me resurfaced. Tears filled my eyes as I nodded and averted my face.

He sighed and stretched out to pull out a blanket from beyond my vision. He put it over me and first then I noticed that I was naked. I didn't know how to react to the fact that he hadn't reacted to it in any other way.

He sat down next to me, leaning against the same smooth surface I did. He wasn't close enough for our arms to touch. He sat quiet for a long time, giving me time to notice things about where I was. I made the conclusion of being in a tent of some sort, but it was large and comfortable. There was a table, a large sleeping mat and pelts covering the floor. The fireplace was large and blazing. It was nothing compared to the clean marble of my Master's castle, but it felt cosy and suitable to the man next to me.

"Where are you from?" he was apparently not yet used to the fact that I couldn't answer him. I shrugged. "Don't you have anywhere to go?" I shook my head, tears again threatening to break out. He put a hand on my shoulder, making me look at him. "It's alright," he said. "I'm not going to throw you out or anything. You're safe here."

'Safe' I thought. A word I couldn't fully comprehend. Had I ever been 'safe' all my life? No one had ever been able to do me harm.

But then I was alone. There were no guards here, only to see to my needs. It was all up to me. I felt my eyes beginning to close and I felt tired to the bone. It ended up with me leaning against his shoulder and he didn't move.

"I haven't told you my name, have I?" Of course I said nothing. "I'm Patrick Dualedge III, at your service." I fell asleep thinking that I had found him, the man whose kingdom I was meant to steal.

The next time I opened my eyes the tent was empty. I no longer felt cold and my vision was clear as day. Next to the pelt I was sleeping on lay a bundle of clothes I didn't recognize. I sat up and took the piece of clothing on the top in my hands. The fabric was a kind I wasn't familiar with. It was thin yet not smooth to the touch. It was dark brown lined with red. As I sat there with what I thought was a dress the entrance of the tent opened and I was blinded by the sharp sunlight. In came an older woman.

"Good, you're awake," she said as she saw me, "come here girl and let me look at you." I threw aside the blanket and went to stand beside her. I was used to having servants helping me dress. I knew that I was short, but the woman was even shorter, but she had an aura of respect around her. She chuckled and gave an approving nod “Not one for modesty, eh?” Her voice made me blush, to my own surprise, I had never been modest, but now I got a sudden urge to dive back to wrap the blanket around my pale body.

The woman gave my arms a stroke and clicked her tongue. "The Notak is already gone." she said and picked up a jar from the floor next to the fireplace. She opened it and a smell I recognized from the day before steamed out of it. She got out a large lump and began to rub it onto my back. She held out the jar to me and I got some of the salve out of it and began to stroke it on my arms. "You'll have to rub harder, child, on every inch of your body."

At first it felt awkward to have her hands on me but soon her rough touch felt strangely reassuring. For the most part of my life I had gone without feeling the touch of another human being. When we were done I felt calm as the coldness manifested itself on my skin. The elderly woman then picked up the dress from the floor, "Stretch out your arms girl."

I made a motion as to the stickiness of my skin but the woman simply clicked her tongue again and pulled me down to her level. I held out my arms and she put the dress over my head. When she finished tugging it down around my body it fell to my ankles. The fabric itself was too thin to contribute to the heavy fall and as a I moved I felt weights at the hemline. The dress was held up by thin shoulder straps and it fell straight down, until the woman tied two strips together in the back.

"The colour is not your best, but his highness wanted it to be his colours, so it will have to do." I said nothing but was surprised to hear it. Why would he show me such an honour? I didn't have much time to think about it as the woman put some kind of shorter cape in the same fabric and colours over my shoulders and fastened it with a metal pin. “I know it will be hot, child, but you’ll have to watch your skin from burning.” She took a step back and regarded me sternly. “Maybe I should get you a veil as well...” She paused but then seemed to think better of it.

She then knelt down and put a pair of sandals on my feet before she pushed me down on a bench and attacked my messed up hair with a comb that to me seemed to just materialise in her hands. She was completely ruthless, the only reaction to my complaints was further clicking and harder tearing. When she finally put the comb away, my hair felt silky and immensely soft to the touch and I thought they had to have given me a bath before I woke up the first time.

She showed me how to tie the sandals and then looked me over, an approving expression on her face.

"You are a pretty girl." I could only smile and blush. "His grace said that you are free to go wherever you wish, but it wouldn't be safe for you to leave the camp. He wish for you to dine with him upon his return." With that said she turned around and opened the hatch to the tent. "Come to me if you need anything." and she was gone.

At first I just stood there not knowing what to do or where to go. I was free to go wherever I wished. Where did I wish to go? Was I really free? Would I ever be free from Master's grasp? Did I want to be free?

I started to walk around restlessly and began to examine the things in the room. Touched the smooth surfaces of the tent poles. Picked up bottles from a shelf, opening them and smelled what was inside. Not a few of them smelled like the salve on my body. In a chest I found men's clothing, leather armours and the same fabric clothes I wore. They all wore the same emblem on them. Two landscapes: a desert and a flowering garden, between them, a double edged sword.

This must me his things I thought and quickly put them back and closed the lid. The property of a king. I suddenly felt guilty about being there. I was an infiltrator, there only to steal his crown. Before I knew it I was on my way out of the tent. The sun shone brightly, stinging my eyes. I seemed to be in the middle of a small town out there in the sand. At least 20 of the large tents stood tall, and there seemed to be wagons everywhere with countless boxes.

But there were no people there at first sight, but then I saw women here and there doing chores and the odd child in between them. 'The men won't be back for some time' the woman had said. The men had gone somewhere, including the king. I was not used to being exposed to such glaring sun, making me feel hot all over in spite of the salve, and began to walk, casually looking for some shade other than the king's great tent. As I walked, I saw more and more smaller tents. I thought that the king must command quite the group out here.

It did not take long before I noticed tall palm trees and following them brought me to a large oasis. By the water a group of women were washing clothes, something I had never done. I had seen Master's servants but I had never thought about what tasks they performed for me.

When I saw it then, further away from the castle than I had ever been, I felt myself for the first time being curious of the ways of women… and of men for that matter. They raised their heads as I approached and I felt my cheeks blushing. I felt incredibly pale among all these tanned people. A moment of silence and then the questions started to pour. "Who are you?" "What are you looking at?" "What do you want?"

Startled, I opened my mouth to answer and again the pain shot through it, fierce enough to make me gasp and my eyes tear. My hand automatically flew to clutch my throat. The women had silenced and stood there watching me.

"You must be the mute girl his grace found in the desert." I raised my head and looked at the thirty or so year old woman who had spoken. I nodded. "I see." Another couple of moments passed. The silence was very awkward, at least to me. I felt like running away and wished for Master to come and take me with him as he had so long ago. "Are you planning on helping us or just standing there being in the way?" Her voice was not unkind and it brought a smile to my face. I ran the last few paces to join them.

When I reached them I realised I didn't have the slightest idea about what to do.

"Well come here, lass." An older woman with all grey hair took me by the arm, bending me down to her crouched level. "First, you tie up your skirt like so, and then you…" The woman started to chatter again. Their voices surrounded me, they told me what to do, and laughed friendly when I did something wrong. I felt at home and… not alone.

It took several hours before the laundry was done. My arms ached and I could hardly feel my toes, but gods, I was happy. When the washing was done we carried it to one of the tents and hung it on strings. The dark haired woman named Carra said that otherwise the wind and the sand would ruin the work in minutes.

When that was finished, Carra simply took me by the arm to what I thought to be the cookery. A couple of young girls were chopping vegetables and other things I didn't know what they were. I sat down on a rock and watched them as they worked and listened to them talk. Carra was some kind of manager. She directed the others and they spoke to her with full respect. It seemed to me that they relied on her, and she fit the role perfectly.

Some of the others acted strangely around me. Maybe it was because of the muteness or because I bore the kings emblem on my back, but Carra spoke to me as if I was one of them. Even though I couldn't answer her, and it meant a lot to me. She also kept showing me how to do things. "Do you see how Selen is holding the knife? This root is very usefull, both for flavour and for texture. Do you want to try?" I found myself unable to stop smiling and the ache in my heart felt more distant. I hardly noticed time passing and not until a loud bell rung did I notice that the sun was setting. Carra saw my confused look when everyone picked up the pace simultaneously and simply said "The king has returned." My heart jumped when I heard her, I had almost been able to forget about Patrick Dualedge III, as well as Master. The rest of the men had returned with him and that was why everyone was in a sudden hurry. To me it seemed that the women had made enough food to feed an army… but then maybe that was what they had to do.

I thought that I should go see him as he had ordered and rose, but then I realised that I had no idea how to get back to the royal tent. I didn't have time to think or try to get directions as Carra put a pot with a stew of some sort in my hands, took another of her own and told me, and the rest of the girls, to follow her. I could do nothing but obey. We didn't walk for long: soon a huge tent towered before us, guards standing at the entrance. I could hear men talking and laughing inside.

The guards held the tent flaps open for Carra and the rest of us as we passed by. I stopped for a moment, filled with awe at the sight that met me inside. There was a great long table and around it sat 30 or so men. I had never seen so many people in the same place before. I didn't have more time to gawk as a girl behind me nudged me forward.

Not many looked at me but those who did stared. After meeting the eye of one of them, I dared not do anything but keep my eyes down, my cheeks burning and butterflies in my stomach. I saw Carra putting down her burden on the table and I did the same, blushing more as I couldn't avoid touching the man seated there.

"Your Grace!" I flinched, and was grateful that I had put the pot down, as a loud voice bellowed close by. "It would seem as though your latest find has arrived with the help!" I flinched again, the king was here. Laughter went down the table. I turned around to look for him and he wasn't hard to spot, his chair being much grander than the rest. His blonde hair was clad with a golden crown. I could almost hear Master whispering in my ear: 'Get me that crown!'

His Majesty waved and smiled at me. "Come!" he shouted over the noise. I had to walk around the table to get to him and I felt like everybody were watching me. I came around and saw an empty seat next to him. He waved again and said: "Sit, won't you:" A man stepped forward and pulled out the chair. I sat down. I had been waited upon for the better part of my life, but this felt different, very different. On my other side sat a robust man with grey streaks through his otherwise dark hair. He took my hand and patted it fatherly.

"You shant be afraid, my dear. Our lord Dualedge has taken it upon himself to aid all lost travellers in this forsaken place. All though we have never come across someone quite the little bird as yourself." It was reassuring to be the object of kindness and I smiled until a man across the table a man the king's age snorted with laughter.

"Quite the bird not to have a voice to sing with." Many laughed but not the man next to me. He turned to me and answered with dignity.

"The most beautiful bird doesn't need to sing." I smiled and blushed from the compliments and the man across raised his glass to me.

"As true as it is said."

Attention focused on me momentarily and Patrick asked me if I was well and if I felt better. After not too long, however, the subject turned to matters of state. I listened to what they said and I didn't understand at all what they meant with talk of national relations, swords play and strategic opportunities.

I entertained myself by studying the men of the table. They were too many for me to noticed very much about each of them. Most acted in their own special way and looked very different too. I hadn't thought about any other man than Master, and had thought that I could never be attracted to another. But I found to my private embarrassment that I found many of them appealing.

I was kind of cold struck when I noticed that I was the only woman at the table, but after a moment of consideration and a warm smile from Patrick made me feel special instead of singled out. Baylyn Marthen, as the gentleman next to me was named, was there to tell me what to eat with what and what dish to eat first. I never felt confused for long and he made me feel safe. The evening went into the night and I didn't keep track on how many glasses of wine Marthen poured me.

At last the king put down his glass and dismissed those at the table. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but rose with the rest and then the kind turned to me and smiled warmly at me. He walked me back to his tent, some guards following us close behind. I assumed it was customary.

When we got there two of them followed us inside. At first I didn't realise why but then I got that they were there to protect the king from me. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to find it complementary or frightening. He asked me to have a seat on a pile of pillows and then took one himself.

"I'm sorry for not being very entertaining tonight." I shook my head and smiled. I had had a most pleasant evening and an even better day. He opened his mouth as to say something but closed it. He repeated at least two more times. I couldn't help to smile, and he did too. "You know, it's quite hard to convers without getting any answers." I could tell that my smile became less honest. He sat for a moment resting his chin in his hand, a look of hard thinking on his face. He looked adorable. A different person from at the table.

"I know!" he suddenly exclaimed and turned to me, a great smile on his face. "Do you know how to write?" I nodded excitedly, inside I was kicking myself for not thinking about it earlier. He got up from his seat and went over to a wooden chest, from which he got a feather pen, a bundle of papers and a flask of ink.

He brought it to a low table and I went over there. Still smiling I took the pen from his open hand and waited for him to open the flask. I then dipped the pen and began writing. "My name is Annie" was the first thing I wrote, but when he saw it he sighed and shook his head. I looked at him feeling confused.

"I'm sorry, I can't read this." I looked at him wanting to cry. "Where you've learned the old script I don't know, but I haven't." he scratched the back of his head. "Actually I hardly know anyone who has." I looked back on my writing. I had never seen any other kind. Why did Master teach me an outdated way of writing? It had been Master who taught me, at least to begin with. Then there had been mean teachers that taught me the rest. Without violence but also without any other emotion.

All of the books in the castle had been written in those letters, it didn't make any sense at all. "I guess there's nothing to be done about it." a sad smile clad his lips. "Don't feel sad little one, it's not that important." He must have seen the tears forming in my eyes. He reached out to pat me on the head. "Do you know how to play chess?" The smile returned to my face. We played for a long time, and it didn't feel necessary to fill the silence with conversation.

He told me things though, all kinds of things, seemingly as they popped into his head. His voice was reassuring and his jokes funny. It was even a kind of relief not to have to worry about saying the right thing.

Hours later when we had finished our last play, he had won most of them, and we returned to our sleeping places we smiled and he patted me on the head again.

"I'm glad you're here, I feel like I can tell you anything." I smiled back at him, warm inside.

That became my life then. Patrick spent his days away somewhere and I spent mine with Carra and the others. Patrick once asked me if I really wanted to work and that I didn't have to. I had only smiled happily and nodded. Carra had taken me under her wing and treated me with nothing but kindness. I learnt that she had lost her own daughter to the fever not so long ago. She had been about my age and it had been less than a year since it happened.

Nobody found it strange that she had warmed to me so soon. I did not know how to act once I found out so I tried not to act differently than before. It made me feel less guilty if I could ease her suffering when she was so kind to me. Perhaps she was filling a place in my heart as well, I could hardly remember my own mother.

At night I dined with the king and his closest men and I then spent a night once in a while playing games, listening to him talk. Not rarely he told me that he was glad I was there and listened to what he had to say.

Generally, I was happy, happier than ever before, but then there were times when I longed so badly for Master that I cried. I had no idea how to give him what he wanted and I felt guilty, both for that and for the fact that I was there to deceive Patrick, Carra and the others. Some nights I had terrible nightmares , the images fading before I even opened my eyes. Only the nameless terror remained.

Time went by unnoticed a couple of weeks or even a month and I tried my best to disregard my insecurities, hoping that an opportunity to do my Master's bidding would appear. I clinged to that hope in my darker moments. Until one day.

The bell announced his Majesty's return and I rose to go to the dining tent. But Patrick wasn't among his men. Puzzled I turned and looked for him. He wasn't with the soldiers nor with the horses and I returned to his tent. Before I entered I heard voices from within. A guard held the entrance open for me. Pure joy filled my heart when I stepped in. On a pile of pillows sat Master.

I nearly leapt into his arms, although they weren't open, but was then afraid that he was angry with me and stopped mid-step. But when he looked at me, his expression was content and a smile played on his lips.

"Annie," his voice was calm, "I have missed you, come and give me a kiss." Shyly, knowing that Patrick was watching, I went over to him and bent down, kissing Master softly. That moment was utter bliss. Master had missed me and acted loving and caring. He pulled me down next to him, we didn't touch but the proximity held the bliss alive inside me.

"So you know her? We found her half dead due north of here a few weeks ago." It was Patrick who had spoken, his voice sounding dry.

"Yes, Annie is mine." My bliss kept growing. I was his. "Annie." Patrick seemed to be tasting my name saying it almost to himself. "I have wondered where she came from, who she was."<P> "I can imagine as much." Master's eyes were fixated on Patrick. "I brought her in to bear my first born, but sadly, she turned out to be barren. But alas, I was too attached to her to lose her. I was quite worried when she disappeared from an outing." My smile lost its honesty, but no one seemed to notice. Master was lying, fooling Patrick. Had he lied about the rest then? Hadn't he missed me? Wasn't he happy to see me? "If your Grace has gotten attached to her, you are welcome to bed her yourself." <P> I realised why Master had come. To speed things up, to do himself what I hadn't been able to. Patrick laughed nervously.<P> "I have actually come to like her more like a sister, and besides, I have mistresses of my own, back at the castle." The fact that Patrick didn't want me wasn't saddening. I had never desired him for myself and that he thought of me like a sister melted some of the ice Master had put around my heart.<P> "Leagues away, and it must have been a long time." Master's voice was ever smooth, alluring and then dropped to a seductive whisper. "or is it possible that they aren't suitable to still your frustration either?" I understood what he meant and it made me sick to my stomach. Patrick did too, but he said nothing to deny it, his cheeks blushing. It made him look sweet and innocent. I began feeling unwanted and the way they stared at each other made me suspect that they wouldn't miss me if I left. I rose and as I walked out the door neither gave me a look.<P> I didn't cry, I felt numb inside. Without consideration I went to Carra who was monitoring the washing of dishes. She only took a look on my face to give the command to a woman who's name I couldn't remember. She went up to me and took me by the arm and steered my steps.<P> "You look exhausted, child, come, we shall find a bed for you." It felt so natural to let her take care of me. I had been sleeping in Patricks tent so far and if Carra hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done.<P> I didn't keep track of where we went, but she led me to an area of smaller tents close together. She brought me into one. It was cosy and nice and smelled of her. Her home, I thought. There were two beddings and she led me to one.<P> "Sit here, child. I'll make you some tea." I did as she bid, enjoying being taken care of. She made me a snack and brushed my hair. But my mind stayed back at Patrick's tent where my Master, the man I loved, sat smiling at his newest plaything. During my time at the camp, I had come to realise a great deal about what kind of man Master was, but also that I loved him none the less. I thought that there must be some reason for how he'd been acting, and I wanted him to be happy. To give him a reason not to feel compelled to engage in his dark, manipulative ways. But really, I depended on the only person I had known throughout my childhood. I was still a child who had barely started bleeding.<P> When I undressed to go to sleep, Carra had taken out a gown for me to wear, the older woman turned to me and looked me over intently. She then came over and put both both hands on my belly.<p> "Girl, when was the last time you bled? More than a month ago?" I looked at her with confusion and nodded. "Though you are young, you don't have to bleed every month yet." She wrinkled her forehead and gently examined my stomach and breasts. "Girl, you are with child or I haven't watched over more births than I remember."<P> At first, the thought didn't seem to get through to me. I put my hands carefully on my belly. I was with child, Master's child. I was bearing his son. Slowly I felt a warm feeling of joy take over my mind and body. I forgot about Carra, Patrick, the world. Mindlessly I got dressed again. Later Carra told me that I was smiling sheepishly the whole time. I ran through the dark camp, how I was able to find my way, I have no idea. But soon there I was the tent where Master was. I would go in and tell him and he would forget about Patrick and being king. He had wanted the child first, and he would be so happy and we would go back to his castle and he would love me forever in return for his son.<P> I was convinced as I opened the flap of the entrance. But instead of climaxing, the ecstatic bliss I had been feeling, broke into a thousand pieces.<P> They were on his bed, kissing, making love. I stood there frozen. Patrick seemed caught in rapture, oblivious to me being there. Perhaps Master saw me, but he didn't do anything as to acknowledge my presence there. It was the first time I had actually seen him with someone else. For the first time it was real. And it was with Patrick! Patrick who had made me feel valuable and special, who had spoken to me in confidence and who had played games with me. Patrick who loved me like a sister!<P> That moment was filled with jealousy towards Patrick and disbelief towards Master for taking him away from me. But it was happening. Tears blurred my vision and I stormed away, running without direction only to get away from the nightmare behind me.<P> At last I feel hard to the sandy ground and when I lifted my head I saw the oasis in front of me. Slowly, I rose and walked up to the calm surface of the water. I had never felt so alone in my life. Both Patrick and Master wanted each other more than they wanted me. And it was all my fault. If I had only been able to seduce Patrick and made him marry me, then Master wouldn't have seen it necessary for him to come. <P> I thought about killing myself. I couldn't swim, so if the waters were deep enough I could rest forever there. I felt like I had nothing to live for. I had failed Master miserably and he didn't want me. I couldn't even feel the child within me.<P> But I couldn't do it. I told myself it was because Master would never forgive me for killing his firstborn. But it was truly because I was afraid, too much of a coward to plunge myself into the next realm, the unknown.<P> I sat there, on my knees, for I don't know how long, my mind standing still. The image of Patrick in Master's embrace was etched on my eyelids.<P> At last he came for me. I knew he was there even though he was just standing behind me. He said nothing and I didn't attempt to. I think we shared the our first moment of shared peace.<P> "So you’re pregnant” I heard his silky smooth voice say behind me, I didn’t react at first, not even surprised that he knew. A moment passed and then he said "I'm pleased.” and then turned and walked away. I buried my face in my hands and cried.<P> Master made me sleep with Patrick the next night and many of the following. When I started to show, Patrick was sure he was the father, believing every word Master said. Patrick married me, making me his queen as is the custom of his people. Thankfully the child was born with my blonde hair instead of Master's red. Since then I have given birth to three children. Three boys and one girl. Although I have loved then with all my heart, I have never truly felt like their mother.<P> They were always Patrick's and Master's children. Besides from the first, there is no way for me to tell who is the father of which child. They are all blonde. I truly believe they love each other, Master and Patrick. It doesn't hurt as much now that I have my babies. And Master gave them to me, the only good he has ever done for me.<P> The original plan was for me to kill Patrick after the wedding and then marry Master. Now, my firstborn is starting to come of age and I believe Master fears I will tell him, about everything. Why he would think that I don't know. I've never told Patrick or Carra, or anyone. His love for his son and the fear of losing him is greater than his confidence in his control over me.<P> But now I'm writing this confession of my life as my only act of defiance. Master shall be right once more. Maybe he will finally think of me differently. I shall end my life.<P> You will find this soon enough and know that everything has been for you. I will wait for you in the afterlife, forever if necessary. Good Bye, I love you.<P>